I am almost half my dad’s age.

Turning 25 isn’t just an experience it’s been more of a struggle throughout the years. Turning 18 wasn’t peas and carrots. I worked two jobs and was home schooled alcoholic drug addict that tried to take her life at 16. High school was bullshit . I hated the system. I hated the teachers and I hated my peers. Always some kinda drama. Teachers didn’t seem to have compassion towards all and I hated that always choosing favorites plus I couldn’t ever focus on anything besides math and PE.

Parents never were married they split before I was two. Then dad got caught with cocaine and marijuana enough to get out away for 8 months and go to therapy. Glad mom started her for her degree in college and completed by the time I was 7. Enough schooling got her a masters in international communications and a minor in Economics. We had what we needed after she graduated, our own two bedroom house, two birds, a blockbuster card and plenty of food.

My mom grew up in Massachusetts and oldest of five siblings. Her other sisters , well I’ve only met one of them and she was a little whacked . My mom will be 54 next week And my dad just turned 50 yesterday. Last time my dad owned a car was the last year I was in high school , junior year. He had a bad ass Escalade. Nice house and a girlfriend … Witch he has been with for twenty years and they army married. Yeah true story .

So there I was 10 years ago being dropped off , court ordered, everyday in an escalade. My dad owned his own business,sports cards and memorabilia was his forte. I lived sports and softball but that year when both my dads businesses went down hill and my mom started having horrible health problems, I just lost it. No more “let’s do what’s best for LeeAna” it was my parents worrying about how to afford their own homes, cars, and also what to do next… ” how do we afford college for LeeAna?” Was not the question.

I came to a point where I was so depressed and so uncomfortable in my own life body mind spirt and soul I couldn’t do it anymore and didn’t feel any love or compassion. I failed miserably at suicide and I called my mom 15 min after I tried my attempted. She rescued me . I had to face this insecurity that I didn’t know how to do it. Myself against the world .

After my parents were losing their own security I hadn’t had any left. I risked the unthinkable and only said I just want to be home schooled … That came along with a drug and alcohol consoler he told me after 5 weeks of group and one on one counseling that if I would like to and maybe consider a residential treatment for alcohol and drugs in Redwood City. I took that offer immodestly but it was an instant feeling of relief that I don’t have to live in the insanity I was living in . He explained to me that there are reasons yet unknown that will come to me and that will surface if I were to be abstinent and that my life could be different .

Little that i knew I would have a year and a half sobriety after I took my bed at the residential for two months. Everyone has Nic nAmes in thoes places and I asked wha mine was on the second to last day I was there “the Barbie with braces” ha

From 16 to 25 I’ve struggled with alcohol and drugs . It’s all a matter oh who I choose to be , whoy role models are and yet why do they change often? Well all I can say being half way to 50 is that I am not perfect and I am different from what I used to be. I’m not the same as I was yesterday or the day before that. Yet everyday a truth unfolds and proud that I have my mother witch who is doing exceptionally well with her health as well as her sprit is light and full of happiness and joy.

My intro story explains my struggle and my experience. I have had multiple times of long time abstinence and have shown my true self and I’ve lived to tell my story’s to those who ask. At times I look back and think that I am a crazy intuitive go with the flow type of person that when I mean something I can’t be more serious about the choices I have made and how working with my dad when I was 12 to having my first job 17 from coffee shops, night clubs, personal assistant and I even was a made at a four star hotel for three months . Hardest job I ever had. I have a hard time staying in one place and I can’t sit for more then an hour in the same spot so an office job for me is out of the question .

The past two years have only been deaths in my elders and my grandmother who’s more then my best friend she’s my confidant and almost 85 still manage to see her and help her all through out the week. I call her probly everyday, even when I’m not feeling well. She’s still as sharp as a tack and I love her with all my heart . She makes me want to be stronger and keep growing with my experiences and just take things slow. Life’s too short for the drama .

Enough about me. I’m sure I’ll have more to say tomorrow night .

With love,
LeeAna K

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